Stupid Students
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The following are actual excerpts from real student essays:

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions
and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network
of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel
Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered
a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote
the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And
Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

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The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of
human history.

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The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They
lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate
of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by
irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of
a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.

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The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first
book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from
an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I
my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount
Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark.
Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be
patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons,
Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.

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Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was
a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

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Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They
also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the
mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer
also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last
hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually,
Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

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Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an
overdose of wedlock.

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In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was
a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic
because people took the law into their own hands. There
were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that
they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were
outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

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Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for
very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in
their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the
battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him
because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero
was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects
by playing the fiddle to them.

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Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the
Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold
mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan
of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the
Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna
Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for
the same offense.

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In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The
greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many
poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale
tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.

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The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt
the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed
to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated
by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
It was an age of great invention and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention
was the circulation of blood.

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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

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The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII
found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a
success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops,
they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because
of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives,
writing tragedies, comedies, and errors.

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In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In
another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill
the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are
an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time
as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote.
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

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