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A Soap Story
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The following letters are supposedly taken from an actual incident
between a hotel and one of its guest.
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Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six
unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another
three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
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Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way!
and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your
mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions
from the management are to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this
is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
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Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell
you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got
back to my room this evening, I found you had added 3 little Camays to the
shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for
two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial, so I won't need
those 6 little Camays, which are on the shelf. They are in my way
when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with
your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you
will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's
the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.
I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about
those little bars soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check- in
today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine
cabinet, along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.
In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you
doing this to me ?
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
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Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room,
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and
had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room
since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they
service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately.
Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.
I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of
soap in here ? All I want is my bath-size Dial.
Please give me back my bath! -size Dial.
S. Berman
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Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I
personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the
3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about
the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know
I had returned your soaps, so she also brought 24 Camays plus the
3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues
bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left
in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
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Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess :
On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. On the northeast corner of
the tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On the northwest corner of the tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that
stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my
bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for
future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar
of bath-size Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to
avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
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